A man is sitting in his chair watching a football game, when he says to his wife, "Honey, grab me a beer!" His Wife says, "Nope, grab it yourself."
So he yells to her again, "Honey, grab me a beer!" Once again his wife says, "No, grab it yourself!"
He starts getting fed up with this, and says, "If you don't grab me a beer, you're not going to see me for a few days." His wife shrugs it off and says, "Who cares, grab it yourself!"
So one day goes by and she doesn't see him. The second day goes by and she still doesn't see him. Finally by time the third day came around, the swelling in her eyes went down enough so she could barely see him.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at the factory, falls onto the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks across, but reluctantly fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
By this point his wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Sit there and Drink beer in front of that bloody TV! You're nothing but a good for nothing, lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..." (she continues)
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
A plane is just about to crash and a woman stands up, takes her clothes off, and offers anyone to make her feel like a woman one more time b4 she dies.
A man at the back takes his shirt off and says;
"here, can u iron this?"
Why do women typically have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
A man is playing golf and shoots a birdie on the first two holes when he gets a phone call from the hospital saying his wife has been in a terrible accident and may not live much longer.
"Right when I'm playing my best game ever. I can play a couple more and see how it goes and then I will race to see her." After a few more holes and a couple more birdies, he completely forgets about his wife and finishes the 18 holes, shooting the best round of golf he ever has. As he is celebrating, he remembers his wife and speeds off to the hospital. He is met by his wife's doctor.
"You should be ashamed of yourself! You finished playing didn't you? Your wife has been laying here in pain, suffering, asking for her husband. She is now going to be a vegetable and you will have to take care of her fo rhte rest of her life. How does that make you feel?"
The man starts to cry uncontrollably when the doctor puts his hand on his back and says; "I'm just f**kin with ya. She's dead. How'd you shoot?"
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg..."
Adam: "What can I get for just a rib..."
To Be Continued....One day a man and his wife are playing golf. The man gets up to the tee on hole # 6 and hooks the ball right into the woods. The man and his wife go to find it and see that its an impossible shot. His wife suggests shooting right between two tall trees. The man tries to make the best hit possible, but instead bounces the ball off the tree, off their cart and hits his wife square in the head. She seems okay at the time. The man finishes the hole, ends up shooting 3 over par, and drives his wife to the emergency room. She later falls into a coma and dies from her injury.
One year later, the man is playing golf with his friend. Once again, on hole number six he hooks it right into the woods, almost in the same exact spot. His friend suggests shooting right between those very same trees. The man then says "Nah....last time I tried that I shot 3 over par"