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103 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A man is sitting in his chair watching a football game, when he says to his wife, "Honey, grab me a beer!" His Wife says, "Nope, grab it yourself."

So he yells to her again, "Honey, grab me a beer!" Once again his wife says, "No, grab it yourself!"

He starts getting fed up with this, and says, "If you don't grab me a beer, you're not going to see me for a few days." His wife shrugs it off and says, "Who cares, grab it yourself!"

So one day goes by and she doesn't see him. The second day goes by and she still doesn't see him. Finally by time the third day came around, the swelling in her eyes went down enough so she could barely see him.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at the factory, falls onto the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks across, but reluctantly fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

By this point his wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Sit there and Drink beer in front of that bloody TV! You're nothing but a good for nothing, lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..." (she continues)

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
A plane is just about to crash and a woman stands up, takes her clothes off, and offers anyone to make her feel like a woman one more time b4 she dies.

A man at the back takes his shirt off and says;

"here, can u iron this?"
Why do women typically have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the sink.
A man is playing golf and shoots a birdie on the first two holes when he gets a phone call from the hospital saying his wife has been in a terrible accident and may not live much longer.
"Right when I'm playing my best game ever. I can play a couple more and see how it goes and then I will race to see her." After a few more holes and a couple more birdies, he completely forgets about his wife and finishes the 18 holes, shooting the best round of golf he ever has. As he is celebrating, he remembers his wife and speeds off to the hospital. He is met by his wife's doctor.
"You should be ashamed of yourself! You finished playing didn't you? Your wife has been laying here in pain, suffering, asking for her husband. She is now going to be a vegetable and you will have to take care of her fo rhte rest of her life. How does that make you feel?"
The man starts to cry uncontrollably when the doctor puts his hand on his back and says; "I'm just f**kin with ya. She's dead. How'd you shoot?"
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam: "What can I get for just a rib..."
One day a man and his wife are playing golf. The man gets up to the tee on hole # 6 and hooks the ball right into the woods. The man and his wife go to find it and see that its an impossible shot. His wife suggests shooting right between two tall trees. The man tries to make the best hit possible, but instead bounces the ball off the tree, off their cart and hits his wife square in the head. She seems okay at the time. The man finishes the hole, ends up shooting 3 over par, and drives his wife to the emergency room. She later falls into a coma and dies from her injury.
One year later, the man is playing golf with his friend. Once again, on hole number six he hooks it right into the woods, almost in the same exact spot. His friend suggests shooting right between those very same trees. The man then says "Nah....last time I tried that I shot 3 over par"
To Be Continued....

103 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

103 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.
"Where's Eve?" He asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.
"Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."
A man goes out hunting near his yard with a neighbor. This neighbor is showing him the new scope he has on his rifle and the man looks through. "Wow! I can see everything!" he proclaims. He looks over to his house and suddenly stops. Through the scope he sees his wife and another man kissing in the bedroom window. Infuriated, he turns to his neighbor. "You're a better shot than me, can you do me a favor?" the man asks. The neighbor agrees and asks what it is. "Well... I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and shoot that guy in the dick," he answers. The neighbor takes the rifle, peers through the scope and waits. After a minute, the husband is getting worried. "Are you going to do it or not?" he asks. "Hold on," replied the gunman, "Your wife is about to save me a bullet."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. She's already been told twice.
why don't women need watches?

because there's a clock on the stove.
Q: What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party

Q: Why is it called PMS?
A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
Why do women have legs?

Cos otherwise they'd leave snail trails

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?

Slap the bytch

Why do women get married in white?

To match the other appliances

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

A job still sucks after 10 years

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

You should have listened the first time

How do you tell if you wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
Women's Rights
ok, i'm done and i'm getting out of here before :kicknuts :mrgreen

1,562 Posts
"The woman came from a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."


I fly? No, You falled.
1,325 Posts
God had just finished creating Adam. God said to him "Adam, I want you to pick out a partner from any of the animals in the garden."

So Adam looked around trying to find a mate. After a few minutes Adam said to God "God, none of these animals will do." So God made a woman for Adam.

Adam looked at the woman and said to God "God, why did you make her so beautiful?"
and God replied "So you will like her Adam."

Adam said, "But God, she is just SO beautiful why is she so beautiful?"

"So you will like her" God replied. Then Adam asked, "But God, why did you make her so stupid?"

God replied "So she will like you."

Premium Member
4,776 Posts
"The woman came from a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

That's deep.... but good... :)

110 Posts
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a
pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.

110 Posts
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."


162 Posts
even though im a chick... ill contribute...

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite
fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.............

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then
thoughtfully says, "You better think it over man - women like that are hard to find."

110 Posts
An oldie

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

  • Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles.
  • Motorcycles' curves never sag.
  • Motorcycles last longer.
  • Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
  • You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
  • Motorcycles don't have parents.
  • Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
  • You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
  • You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
  • If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
  • You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
  • If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
  • Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
  • When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
  • Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
  • Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
  • New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
  • If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
  • If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
  • If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
  • If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
  • You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
  • You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
  • You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
  • You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
  • If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
  • You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
  • Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
  • Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
  • Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
  • Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
  • Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
  • You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
  • It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
  • If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
  • You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
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